being

It’s Always About What You Do With It

Are you hearing all the stories pouring in of Ash Cloud dilemmas? Precious inventory sitting in airplane hangars, key team members stranded all over Europe and the USA. The vast, almost incalculable cost. School children far from loved ones. Horrific crowds and monumental price gouging for alternative transport. Those with the Atlantic Ocean between there and here don’t have John Cleese’s $5000 taxi option.

Are you frightened, worried about your ever diminishing budget, the family you can’t get to? Is that massive event you’ve prepared weeks, months, years for, just going to pass you by or worse, be completely canceled? Are you paralyzed, sitting in your room or airport camp bed, freaking out? Do you just ache to have your child safely in your arms? There’s no diminishing the reality of those fears.

This is simply a reminder to take control of the parts of the equation you can influence. You can not argue with a giant cloud of volcanic ash half the size of a planet. You can reign in your anger. You can calm your emotions. You can call your family or get online for minimal cost, and reassure yourself and them that everyone is fine.

You may not be able to afford to see all the sites, but it’s Spring in the northern hemisphere and the weather is reasonable enough for walks around new streets you’ve not explored. Maybe you could cobble together enough for one more museum. Meet new people in the process of asking for help. Most will surprise you with their understanding and generosity. Or maybe the company is paying, in which case you’ve got even more options. Balance in this kind of situation is to take control and ownership over the outcomes you can actually influence.

The point is the obvious one. Something my Great Depression era and WWII veteran grandparents taught me over and over again by how they lived their lives. Get up. Dust off. Reassess. Keep going.

Adversity, surprise, dilemma, have always been and will always be, about what you do with them. Now, off to take my own advice …

Photo courtesy of NASA

http://www.flickr.com/photos/gsfc/ / CC BY 2.0

Work Life Stories: Broadway Baby (Part 2)

Mar 23rd, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

5 comments

We met Erik Orton earlier in the week, and left his story as he reached crunch time for choosing his next step in the search for integrity in his work life. Time to introduce Erik’s family, five children, all home-schooled. For Part 1 of Work Life Stories: Broadway Baby, go here.

“I needed day job at night. Through a temp agency, I was placed at a major investment bank producing presentations. I started working 4pm-midnight with a car home at night. It was hard to walk into a new industry at a very different level. It was humbling, but strangely healing. I was reading, “The Richest Man in Babylon” at the time. At one point he’s escaped from slavery and is about to die of thirst in the desert and has to decide if he’s going to lie down and die or continue. He asks himself, “Do I have the soul of a slave?” He picks himself up and presses on into the desert. I tried to do the same. That opened a door for me in a role that was not at all connected with my core passions. I did that job as well as I possibly could. My mantra became “I’ll do whatever you want me to do and I’ll do it well.” Ironically, I rose quickly through the company. I became a long-term contractor, was offered promotions, significant pay increases and benefits for my family. And surprisingly, by day, my creative work was thriving. I felt free. I was no longer in conflict.

“After a year, “Berlin” was offered a film contract. An independent television broadcaster wanted to make a film of the staged production. I asked for a leave of absence. The bank agreed, suspending my pay but allowing me to maintain benefits continuity and pay back the premiums once I returned. They gave me 6 weeks. I got to be part of turning my musical into a film. And again, I took my family with me. But this time, I had a job to come back to, and benefits.

“My family are the driving force in all of this. Emily has always known what my dream was and was on board for the ride. She has always believed in me, always encouraged me, always made our household work on whatever money I was able to bring in. Sometimes very little, sometimes more than ample.

“But with me working nights, we hit a wall. I left for work just as the kids got home from school. Sometimes we would pass on the street as I went to the subway. The only time I would see them for sure was when I would walk them to school in the morning after about 5 hours of sleep. We were always fighting to get out the door and we were increasingly less satisfied with the school.

“Home-school was a solution for us on so many levels. We now have family breakfast together every day if we want to. I am fresh when I am working on my creative projects. Then I can put that into a box, go to work and focus on that. When I leave work at night I don’t need to think about what I’ve left behind. I am not emotionally exhausted when I come home.

“At the bank, because I am not attached to the core industry, the emotion is removed. I feel free to speak openly, give real opinions, and am not involved in the politics. Of course there is still stress and hard days, but removing the conflict of trying to hide what’s most important, is liberating.

“I am now more relaxed with my family. As they home school and I work from my own ‘corner office’, they see me and hear my conversations with my production attorneys. Singers will come and record a demo. They’ll see me at the piano. I read things to Emily to get her opinion. They see my work as a part of their lives. I see their school work and can get involved. We are not living segregated lives. If something has to happen during the day, we have two adults at home. There’s no daycare involved, and all that makes us a much better team.

“I also feel repositioned in my own industry. I’m not perceived as the middle manager anymore. I’m a playwright, composer and producer. That creative schism has gone. By getting myself out of my industry, I could change lanes and be in the ones where I felt I truly belonged.

“Balance to me is integrity. Leading an integrated life – to be the same person in every circumstance.”

I would love your comments on Erik’s concluding statement. On the surface, Erik’s life is actually more segmented and compartmentalized than ever before. But the result has been a more authentic, and yes, integrated life for all of his key elements. A paradox perhaps, but it works here. The last post on having more open lives, particularly on-line, sparked an incredible discussion – some of the issues raised in the comments have application here. Have a look if you missed it. And I bet you can’t wait to meet the woman partnering with Erik to make all this possible. Emily Orton is a personal hero of mine and I suspect you will be absolutely captivated by her – we’ll be meeting her shortly to talk about work life in the context of full-time mothering and teaching.

For all who wanted to comment on Part 1, sorry my comments were down – I hope you’ll take the time to comment on this post.

Berlin won a 2009 Regional Emmy Award and a 2009 CINE Golden Eagle Award. At www.berlinthemusical.com, you can listen to excerpts from the show and see still images. You can also download the soundtrack on iTunes.

Erik has recently started blogging. For a dose of his creative energy, read to “Why We Got Up Early to go to the Movies”.

Berlin has it’s own Facebook fan page here.

Make sure you subscribe by RSS or email at the top right of the page to catch her voice in the Work Life Stories series.

Disclosure: I have no financial involvement or connection with iTunes, “The Ark” or “Berlin” soundtracks other than to be a huge fan of Erik’s immense talents.

Photo credits:
Stills from “Berlin”, Orton Family, used with permission.
Desert http://www.flickr.com/photos/ainet/ / CC BY 2.0

Work Life Stories: Broadway, Baby (Part 1)

Mar 22nd, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

No comments yet

Erik Orton is a playwright, composer and producer by day, and a presentations whiz for a large investment bank by night. Erik’s story is the journey of an integrated life and what that means to him.

From high school, he was interested in theatre and music, pursuing a Bachelors in Media Music (film scoring, studio recording, song writing, playwrighting). He moved to New York and landed a role with a Broadway general management firm working with veterans of all the big shows: Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Miss Saigon. He learned the business side of Broadway and was exposed to every facet of a show. Right from the start, Erik started learning about the divisions that exist between the business and creative sides. And if you have a foot in both camps, it’s a long, hard road – making a transient, mobile industry even more so.

“My entire career, l have had this dynamic of my creative work and my business work in the theatre competing at a certain level. When I first moved to New York, I was contracted to write a show at the same time I was hired for my first Broadway management project. When the show I was writing went into production, I wanted to be there. I asked for two months off. My employers – understandably – said they could only accommodate two weeks. So I gave my notice and left. I wanted to be with the show I’d helped create.

“This became a pattern over the next few years and was seemingly the only path to make both elements in my life work. I would go away for 2-4 months, usually taking my family with me. We would sublet our apartment and find new arrangements wherever I was working. Then we’d come back to our apartment in New York and I’d find a new job. It was a roller coaster.

“Throughout the whole process my creative projects always came up in interviews along side my managerial credentials. Sometimes they asked. Sometimes I told. Either way, I’ve always believed the best approach in an interview is to be yourself, your whole self. Many people might say it was a bad idea to talk about both aspects of my work, but it was important for me to represent my whole professional self when applying for a position. In one instance where I’d been passed over initially and then later hired (the first person didn’t work out), I was told, “We didn’t hire you because you were a ‘creative’, but now we wished we’d hired you first.” That was nice to hear, but I wasn’t so sure how long my luck would continue. That show closed and I was on the hunt for another job. The roller coaster continued.

“There were long stretches of time when we did not have insurance for the whole family. The theatre industry does not provide family benefit packages. We often patched multiple plans together to cover the whole family. My favorite solution was when I negotiated an additional stipend and we self-insured our whole family under a single policy via the Freelancer’s Union.

“There were seasons when I was focused exclusively on my creative work, others when I was trying to do both but keep the one secret from the other. It was terrible. I hated living a schizophrenic life. Even working on the Wicked Tour – the most successful Broadway show of the decade – didn’t make it any easier. When they hired me, we had openly discussed two producing projects I had in the pipeline. They were both fairly ambitious, so I’m not sure they actually thought I would pull them off. When the first one materialized, it became very difficult. I had a very frank discussion with the producer and we amicably parted ways. It was a huge risk for me (and my family). In hindsight, perhaps I could have approached it differently, but hindsight is always 20/20. The bottom line was I needed to ease this sense of duality – some of it imposed by the industry and some of it personal reality.”

In the meantime, Erik was able to produce his own show Off-Broadway, a richly nuanced musical about the Berlin Airlift post WWII. He also became the lead producer for another Off-Broadway show, “The Ark”. (The soundtracks of both shows are on iTunes here – Berlin and The Ark – if you’d like a sense of Erik’s body of work).

“We had 60+ employees and $1.5M in capital when launching The Ark. My producing partner and I were running the whole thing. Literally, the buck stopped with us. It was an invigorating experience right up until we knew it wasn’t going to run. We closed it down and gave the rest of the money back to the investors. It was a very low point in my life.

“But now I had crossed a threshold. People I used to work for were now my former-employees and contractors. I knew I couldn’t go back to the management side. It was psychological as well as practical. Even so, I interviewed for a high level position with a major entertainment company. I was their final candidate. Again, my next creative project was on my resume. In my final interview (five in all) they told me they would need “my full attention”. I knew what they meant. I told them I thought I could do both. I didn’t get the offer, and I finally got my head clear. From then on I got really creative. I seemed to become alive again. I decided I was going to earn my money outside the theater industry for now. I was going to take the conflict out of play. I set my criteria:

days free to write, record, and produce during normal business hours
provide for my family without the emotional roller coaster ride.”

To see how Erik has brought it all together, Part 2 of Work Life Stories: Broadway, Baby will be posted on Wednesday. Remember to subscribe at the top right via RSS or email to make sure you catch the whole series.

In the meantime, pull together your thoughts on these ideas of professional schizophrenia and living a seemingly inauthentic life. In an industry renowned for it’s transience, lack of security and project based employment, more innovative solutions and thinking could have created mutually profitable opportunities. But the theatre, for all it’s creative wattage, can be incredibly old school. I bet you can think of other industries with that disconnect.

Photo credits with permission:
Erik Orton, Courtesy of Crain’s New York Business,
Berlin Logo, by Henry Reis. Courtesy of Corbis

Tear Down That Wall?

Mar 16th, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

14 comments

In the furor over the NYT Mommy Blogger’s piece over the weekend (which I am not getting into as others have done it better), I noticed a comment (amongst the hundreds of comments across one of the at least 12 follow-ups I’ve read in the past couple of days). I can’t quote it, because I now can’t find it!

The gist was that people want their providers of products and services to ensure delineated professional and personal lives. That revealing too much of the personal makes you look unprofessional and perhaps even incompetent.

I agree it’s a fine line. I agree we need some boundaries between work and the other parts of our lives. But it also occurred to me that on so many levels, this horse has already bolted. Because the generation entering the work force now, see no need for separation. Us Gen Xers who seem to be driving the work life conversation, are busy trying to break down walls that simply won’t exist when the Millennials are in charge. And the employers and employees who understand how to navigate that, are already wearing the winner’s rosette. As Sariah Toronto pointed out here a couple of weeks ago, it’s not about work and life. It’s just “life”.

And that’s what the New York Times so utterly missed. That’s what the old media are struggling with. Total and complete paradigm shift – their future role fundamentally uncertain. This isn’t just about the world of blogging. This lesson applies to every organization out there. We’re trending to an integrated life. Public and private crossed over. You might not be comfortable in it. But your kids, your nieces and nephews sure are. And they are your future bosses.

What kind of boundaries do you set between work and life? How are they working for you? How do you separate and/or integrate? What differences do you think this next group of players in the workforce will bring with them?

Photo credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/vizzzual-dot-com/ / CC BY 2.0

Work Life Stories: Flex in High Finance? An Unusual On-Ramp Tale

Mar 5th, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

3 comments

The big bad world of Wall St high finance is not the most conducive to mothering and flexible work options. Here’s a unique story of just what is possible when you dare to ask. After her MBA, Sariah Toronto spent several years with Citibank and then moved on to another major financial institution for 18 months, at which point her first child was born. After six months of maternity leave, itself a rare benefit in the finance sector, a promised position hadn’t materialized and the prospect of ad hoc project work was unexciting.

“The decision to go back for part-time work that was not clearly defined, or to care for my daughter full time, was excruciating. I’d never imagined myself as a full time mother. But ultimately I made the choice to stay home. And I have absolutely no regrets about that. It was a great decision for me, for my children, for our family. I was home full time with my children for 6 yrs and then in late 2008, I began a part-time schedule with my previous employer – just 14 hrs a week divided between the office and home.

“Then my husband took the entrepreneurial plunge as a toy-maker, at which point I went back to full time work. Now I spend three days in the office and work from home the other two days. Doug runs his start-up and does the bulk of childcare. On the days I am working from home, we allocate household and child responsibilities based on who has time-sensitive deadlines. I can be flexible to a certain degree and pick back up during naps and after hours if Doug has a meeting or deadline. And he of course does the same for me. The older children are in school all day and the youngest has some daycare also. Our primary objective is to always be there for our kids, so we try our best to work it out.

“The decision to open the door back to work was a gradual one. About five years into full-time mommy hood, I felt I had to have another dimension in my life. I felt like some part-time work would be just the thing, so I contacted a couple of people from my last employer. I actually had not kept in good touch because I did not think it would be possible to on-ramp after time off. But one of them was now the head of my old department and he was really interested in talking. He knew me, knew my work, and I had a track record with him that was absolutely to my benefit. Also helpful was that his wife has had a flexible schedule for many years, so personally he could appreciate it wouldn’t necessarily be a liability.

“In my organization there is definitely an appreciation of balance between work and other priorities, and an effort is made to promote some flexible work arrangements. There are formal flex and telecommuting policies but specific implementation varies on business needs and area management. It doesn’t work for all positions and certainly some individuals are not as open to it as others. It is not known as an industry where there is any flexibility – the exact opposite is typically true.

“In terms of my promotability and future in the organization, it’s unclear as to how my current flex schedule will make a difference to my prospects. Theoretically I would need to step into a line role – I am focused on meaningful project work, but one step back from the front line. Honestly, I am not sure if it has to be true or if it’s more “this is the way things have always been done,” but with more customer facing roles, you have greater perceived value if you are physically there. There are four-day workweek precedents for some of these roles. From my own perspective, I am a type A person and I want to go get ‘em, but I have to constantly ask myself, ”What are my overall priorities right now?” Yes, on some days I feel like I may want more in terms of work, but what would that ultimately mean for other equally important areas of my life, and is that what I and my family want and need at this point?

“I recently attended a talk by Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, where he mentioned something profound for me. “Life is not about a position, it is about a purpose.” It has been really grounding. I can worry about rank and position and what’s next and how am I going to get there. Instead, every day in my mothering and my work I am asking “What is my purpose today?” and I try to focus on taking advantage of the time I have doing what I am doing – so that I am not wasting time thinking about work with the kids and vice versa.

“I do feel a great sense of mission to prove that flex workers are not a liability; that me not always being on site doesn’t mean inferior work or getting less done. If I can do great work, that will help to firm the ground for openness to flex arrangements and promotions for me, and others in similar situations.

“The first month back full time was definitely a big transition. My son started full-day Kindergarten and up until that point I had been with him for his whole waking day his entire life. It was a tough couple of weeks, and I woke up one morning and realized I was a little depressed at the loss of contact with my kids and the minute-by-minute details of their lives. But you work through it and find a new place of equilibrium. Doug and I feel a great sense of balance in our family and our relationship. For the kids to have more time with Doug has been extraordinary. He used to see them for maybe thirty minutes a day and then weekends. So that has been hugely enriching to all of us. There is a real give and take between us about childcare, about pitching in to get everything done. We both have a greater appreciation of the pressure of earning, raising kids, being able to be partners in the day to day and making work and family and finances all come together.

“The specifics of our situation will not be like this forever. Our work will change, our children’s schedules and needs will change. I am trying to savor what we have right now for as long as we have it. I hope that we will be able to continue to create equilibrium as our family’s needs evolve.

“What does work life balance mean to me? I find it so interesting that we term it “work life” balance in the first place. It makes it seem as if there is work and there is life—that work is not a part of life. I like to think of it as life balance—my personal life balance, our family’s life balance. For me it is a sense of stability in the different areas of my life – not stasis, not that nothing’s changing, but that there is a firm foundation that allows for give and take between the different areas. It’s something active, versus something you achieve once, and voila, you’re set.

“I do yoga and it’s analogous to balance poses. It’s not just standing idly in the pose, it’s the minute by minute adjustments and being very present; to be examining – am I breathing right, am I properly aligned, do I feel tension anywhere in my body? It takes work. If you can get a stable foundation that allows for constant re-calibration, then the end result is a stable pose. And sometimes when you are doing yoga you fall flat on your face! So you get back up. And then you work to find your balance in the pose again and you really savor it.

“I feel so fortunate to live in an era where options for creating life balance are increasingly available. Every day on the work front I try to make the sorts of contributions that leave little doubt that the traditional way is not the only way, or even the best way, to fit work in with the rest of life.”

Sariah took the plunge to ask. Whilst she did not specifically stay engaged with her industry, she kept informed as much as possible and was able to demonstrate very quickly that she still knew her stuff. Her query met with fertile ground – the right person with the right mindset was in a position to recognize what she could bring to the table. I love Sariah’s yoga analogy and the power of constant re-calibration.

For the coolest doll houses you’ll EVER see in your life, go here to brinca dada, Sariah’s husband, Doug Rollins’ new operation. My children literally could not be torn away, boys and girls alike.

Finally, some of you may notice that the blog’s name has changed to www.wlbconsultants.com. Watch for some redesign and expansion of the site as I work to contribute more relevant thoughts and solutions to the ever-changing nature of WORK. LIFE. BALANCE. Please do subscribe via RSS or email above to catch all the Work Life Stories installments and much more.

Disclosure: I have no financial interest in brinca dada, other than to share with you a stunning product.

Photo Credit: with permission from Sariah Toronto

Work Life Stories: When the Dream Turns 180º

Feb 26th, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

2 comments

Working from home is not as easy as it sounds. It is one thing when you’re self-employed and an entirely different proposition when you’re with a company that works hard and plays hard – with long hours, expecting face time and trying to create a culture as well as run a profitable business. Lindsay Hepworth talks to us about how she navigated the process with an innovative software company over several major life events and how a mutually trusting relationship has been essential.

Lindsay is a skilled copy editor, writer and over recent years, reinvented herself as an expert marketer. With a background in writing and editing curriculum, then working for a regional publisher, a specialty magazine and freelancing with various publications, Lindsay has spent the last five years with a software company. She was initially a technical manual writer and eventually their lead marketer. She spent a season as a single mother after a deeply painful divorce and is now remarried with two children, and currently resides in Las Vegas. Lindsay talks to us about choices, negotiations and how to make working from home a win-win for you and your employer – until it’s not anymore.

“All I ever wanted was to be married and stay home with my children full time. My mother was a full time homemaker. I come from that cultural and religious framework and more to the point, it is the life I truly dreamed about. But when my divorce came out of nowhere, I realized I was going to have a different reality. During school I loved language and literature. A conversation with a dear friend, outlining my desires to work from home, opened my eyes to editing. So early on I had deliberately chosen a career path that would enable work from home options. Even so, facing supporting myself and my young son felt daunting.

“I had started out with a regional publishing house and landed a dream job. However, I got pregnant almost straight after that, worked through my pregnancy and was then able to stay home with my son. Then, the shock of the divorce. I found myself at my parents’ home with a 20-month-old son and meager savings. I used the skills I and contacts I had maintained to recreate my dream of working at home and providing for myself. Various projects flowed from old contacts and those led to others. A cold-call and dropping everything to edit a trial piece in the midst of moving my things out of my ex-husbands apartment led to a part-time position. Whilst I really wanted to work from home, I knew I would have to work in an office at some point to get the benefits and respect that I wanted. The position eventually disappeared but the main editor had me copy edit other publications he worked on and allowed me to work on a freelance basis from home.

“A proofreader list I was on was shared with another small business owner who asked me to write computer software training materials. I had no experience but did the project well enough that soon he offered me more. I began writing trade articles and advertisements for them on a freelance basis and then they offered me a full-time position I turned down. I was still insistent that I work from home so I would be available for my son. I could work at night and during naps, as I was paid a flat fee by project.

“The company knew I had a journalistic background from University and as I wrote more I guess they realized I could write technical stuff and had a creative mind too. They asked me to write a marketing campaign for a new software tool. Finally, I was offered a position I couldn’t refuse. They called it the “Lindsay” position and told me I could set my own schedule, have benefits and childcare support. They were so willing to work with me, that I took their offer and began working outside of the home a few days a week. Throughout this entire time, I was self-insured – I only took out major medical coverage for myself, and full coverage for my son. So to have these additional cushions was wonderful.

“I think they would have been fine to keep going with the 30 hours a week flex arrangement but I felt like the only way I could progress was if I was there more. My son was now old enough for pre-school and so I decided to go full-time. They expected a lot and I wanted to please them, to constantly do my best. Even though I had proven my ability to deliver productively working from home and part-time, I did sense pressure for face-time – they were entrepreneurs, dedicated to turning the company around and they had wives who ran everything else in their lives. To be on par with them, I needed to be there. They wanted people to work hard and play hard, have activities, be close. They expected us to work really hard and I was happy to do it. A 40 hour week was really a 60 hour week. There was no policy, but a cultural expectation. My actual office time was no more than 40 hours because of my son’s pre-school schedule. But I would always work at night, constantly checking email – all my free time was working. I certainly wasn’t having a social life, and for that season, I was OK with it.

“As the role changed, I grew. I was operating out of my comfort zone, but there was a culture of be challenged and do your best. I started doing some travel and field training. My company knew this was really hard for me but I tried to always do what what they needed me to do. I was rewarded and the business and I kept growing. I had to learn a lot of new things, and did a ton of things I never thought I could do.

“Eventually I met someone and was having a long-distance relationship that turned into a long-distance engagement. We were married after two years and needed to move to Las Vegas for his job. The only reason we hadn’t married sooner was because I didn’t want to give up this job. I felt so loyal and I knew my employer also didn’t want to lose me and all the training and skills that I had developed there. So, I negotiated a long-distance work situation and they agreed. I would work remotely from Las Vegas full-time while visiting the office at regular periods to keep up with the company.

“I loved working from home again. I found I was actually more productive when I didn’t have the day-to-day interruptions office life brings. It was amazing. About a year and a half after beginning to work remotely, I gave birth to my second son. I had started feeling I was missing out on opportunities with my community and also with my now five-year-old son. Again, open communication, clarifying expectations and responsibilities was key. I scaled back to part-time, gave up my marketing responsibilities and went back to technical writing.

Soon after, I felt it was time to devote all my time to my children. Although my company has been great to work with and very understanding, I felt I wasn’t putting my all into my job. Also, they still expected my full-time load on my new part-time schedule. Every spare minute was spent chained to my computer. Shortly after my second son was born, my volunteer responsibilities increased and I had even less balance in my life.

“Recently our family made a different choice – my balance is about to get better. My husband secured a raise this year and we have budgeted carefully so that we can survive without my salary. So, for my birthday (March 1) I am finishing up my job and focusing on my other roles as wife, mother and volunteer with my church.”

Lindsay did some important things right on this journey. Firstly, she chose companies that had values aligned with her own – tthere was some fundamental synergy when she went in to negotiate. Secondly, she kept clear lines of communication with her bosses. Open dialogue is absolutely key. Thirdly, she delivered results. She spent years proving herself and showing she would do what ever was necessary – always taking on new challenges, traveling, training and stretching herself. So what it came time to have hard conversations about the changes going on in her life, she was coming from a proven track record of productivity and commitment.

“If I ever wanted to go back and freelance, I think I would still be able to. They have been very generous through my changing circumstances. I opened up the way for a few others to work from home because I showed how productive I could be and delivered results. I will be trying hard to keep up my contacts, through LinkedIn, Facebook and beyond. You never know what will happen and I am so glad maintained my networks. I wanted my education and wanted a career and I wanted to be able to work from home – and I made it happen.”

Now it’s time for the next phase. Does Lindsay’s story inspire you to negotiate a different situation? Or maybe call an old colleague to have lunch and keep connected? I’d love to hear what has worked for you and what advice you would give someone re-entering the workforce after a break.

Make sure you subscribe by email or RSS in the top right hand corner to catch the next Work Life Stories post.

Photo credit: Erin Fonnesbeck of Erin Fonnesbeck Photography http://www.erinfonnesbeckphotography.com/

Work Life Stories: The Mother of Invention

Feb 16th, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

9 comments

Meet Design Mom, Gabrielle Blair, mother of five, with her sixth child on the way. She is Co-founder of www.kirtsy.com, “Digg for Chicks” says Mashable, and her Design Mom blog has been named a “Top Motherhood Blog” by the Wall Street Journal.

Gabrielle has mothered full-time, run various businesses, worked full time, worked part-time. Warm, engaging and blissfully inspiring, you’ll see that for Gabrielle and her family, work life balance is a constant reinvention. She has countless readers asking her “how do you do it?” Here’s a small insight.

“I was very concerned about work life balance, even when selecting a career, because I always knew I wanted a big family. Even then I was mindful of choosing something flexible. I changed programs from interior design to graphic design for that reason. My husband and I wanted the family but we also both really wanted to work. Initially we started our own businesses, so from the beginning this has been our reality – there has never been any other way of doing things.

“With our first child, we’d take classes, work at night. It was perfect, until it wasn’t. The second child came, we adapted again. We were able to employ someone for four hours a week allowing us some focused productive working time and the rest we traded off.

“When we moved to New York, we played more traditional roles, with Ben at Columbia doing his PhD and me home with our then three children. Three was a lot for me, a much bigger shift and so I felt really good about staying at home and taking on a handful of freelance clients.

“Then, as many families are experiencing right now, there was no work after Ben’s graduation. I went to work full-time as an Art Director. I’d had some very early agency experience and of course, had been freelancing all along and so was up to date trend wise and technologically. If I’d checked out for five years, it would have been really intimidating. The beautiful thing about being a designer is that your work, your portfolio, speaks for itself.

“Working to someone else’s schedule was a heavy adjustment but on many levels it was good for me. My husband had a turn, now it was my responsibility. In our case, I felt more compassion towards both roles. It’s hard to be home with your kids, there is a lot that’s challenging. And it’s hard to be away, you’re exhausted when you walk in, you miss the details and moments. That was our path for nearly three years and then we felt it was time for our fourth child. I was intending to go back, but then Ben started a school and I did all the design for it. I was primarily home with our children, but he was also available. We ended up having another baby right away. In addition to the language school, my husband started teaching as a professor and his hectic but flexible schedule allowed me to get back into my design world.

“I started my blog and it became something a little bit magical. It certainly didn’t start as a business. Our five children ranged from 8.5 yrs to a newborn and I needed to focus on my family but was compelled to have something creative. With no pressure, no deadline, and not needing to add to family income at that stage, we had found our place.

“The school was sold and Ben now runs the foreign language curriculum for K-12 as a home based executive. Design Mom turned into a business and then my partners and I founded Kirtsy. My husband and I share an office and we can make whatever schedule we want. We have complete flexibility. If we both need to travel, we can take turns. Our little ones are in preschool and our older ones in elementary school. Our sixth child is due in May and it will be another adjustment but we know how to do this.

“How do you balance it all? Of course you’ve got to let some stuff go and lower your expectations. For me it’s been true. Be realistic, you need some time with your little ones. It doesn’t mean you’re checking out forever, just a season. Don’t worry, there will still be work there. Take small steps to stay connected. Sooner than you think you’ll be ready for a project.

“Design is particularly suited for that. But I don’t believe it’s limited to certain industries. As companies and people try new things, almost every job can offer some kind of flexibility. It’s expensive and hard to train new people. Make the case – it’s worth it to the company. I don’t believe the flexible path is only available to the entrepreneur.

“I’ve had to say no to things. I have been involved with the kids schools and PTA at times and at other times it’s not feasible. You have to make choices about what you can and can’t take on.

“Our rhythm changes as our children and businesses change. We work in the morning and through naptime. My personal strict rule is that from 3pm until bedtime I am home which means not at my computer! It’s chores, homework, school projects and hanging out time. Then when everyone’s tucked up in bed, if I want to work again I can.

“Work life balance implies something that doesn’t exist but I prefer it to someone saying you can do it all. I have come to accept that we are reinventing the ‘balance’ every year, every month. This balance thing is never done. It works for several months and then you reassess.

“My husband and I both understand what it means to be home with the kids – the difficulties and the wonderful things about that unique role. He really is my best friend – who I want to hang out with. Not everyone could work side by side. He has never devalued what I do or made me feel I was just playing along at a career.

“I travel a lot now. There’s no giving him instructions, he’s fully engaged. The only time for instruction giving was those years when one of us was working full time. You get disconnected from the family details in those phases. This new, accidental career, is starting to have a lot of demands and he’s completely with me – there’s no selfishness about it, no “this is cutting into my time”.”

Gabrielle is a keynote speaker this Saturday at Mom 2.0 in Texas on social media, blogging and the new publishing paradigm.

What do you think about this kind of path? How does balance and roles shift and adjust for you over time? Gabrielle is a gifted designer and you’ll find all sorts of inspiration on her site. Also, catch up on the first posts in this Work Life Stories series here and here. And be sure not to miss the remaining installments by subscribing via email or RSS at the top right hand of the page. I’ll be speaking with some talented men and women in more traditional corporate environments over the next couple of posts.

Loving your comments and thoughtful support as we share stories.

Photo: with permission from Gabrielle Blair

Work Life Stories: A New Kind of Dad

Feb 11th, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

9 comments

Still a statistically small group, stay-at-home-dads are becoming more prevalent and represent a unique corner of the work life balance milieu. I asked Stephen de las Heras, one of my daddy friends who is parenting and balancing a freelance photography career, if he would share his story.

“I’d clawed my way up through the publishing ranks as an Editor and suddenly saw what my career would look like thirty years down the road. It wasn’t a bad future, but I practically ran screaming from the building, determined to build a more meaningful life. This was a major turning point for me. In hindsight quitting was somewhat immature and maybe foolish. It would have helped to have the option of scaling back a bit rather than cutting loose completely. But part-time workers were seen as little more than glorified interns, so I’d calmly punched the red button and nuked my humdrum publishing career.

“My then fiancé married me anyway and by the time the baby rolled around I was freelancing during a recession, and therefore ideally situated to stay home and care for our son. It was important to both of us that one of us be at home. Secretly I’d always hoped I might get the call. But if I hadn’t veered off the road a year and a half earlier, financial considerations may have dictated that I be the one to trudge off to the ‘coal mines’ every day. Instead, I became a part of the first generation of men that could consider staying home an option.

“It’s got to work for both people. In every marriage people have their different preferences. Certainly there are times when my wife feels she is missing out but she also values her career and it works for our family. So much of parenting requires trade offs and we’re just lucky that our personalities and ideals lined up.

“As a new father I discovered I loved babies, much to my delight and horror. Everyone’s babies – which is more than I can say for most of the moms at the local Mommy and me classes. So there I was, off to the park with my mom friends, happily changing diapers at home, and pushing the stroller down to the supermarket. People I met often shared their opinion on what a great dad I was or what a saint my wife was, depending on their own views. I suspected and hoped that both things might be true. Without a doubt those were the happiest years of my life, something about having a little goblin dependent on me for food, love, and protection made me insanely happy. There was plenty of angst too – days and weeks where all I sensed was disapproval. At times, money worries crashed through my contented little bubble. Other families we knew had financial problems, but the world would never dream of blaming dedicated at home mothers for it.

“Our son is now in second grade and many of the at home parents have trickled back into the workforce. Though a good number still show up at 3pm everyday for pick up at school, including more than a few dads. I’ve been putting together a photography career during school hours. It proceeds in fits and starts, with big assignments followed by weeks of slim pickings. As a means of creative expression photography has been a wonderful outlet. But as a part time freelance business run on a shoestring budget in New York City, it’s a real challenge. Thankfully it’s very flexible, since like many parents, the dream is to fill the downtime productively, and still be there to supervise the play-dates, the after school activities, the homework, the chores.

“Why is that so important? One of my photography clients once asked me if I dreamt of “traveling the world and getting paid to take photographs in exotic places?” This was presumed to be the pinnacle of my chosen profession. I told him that I didn’t dream about that because “I have to pick my son up from school everyday at 3pm.” I’m sure he didn’t understand, and I didn’t try to explain. But what if I had to make someone understand?

“Step back to the delivery room in the moments after my son was born. I was holding him against my bare chest, like a proper new age dad instinctively does, while the nice doctor did her best to stop my wife’s hemorrhaging. I held him close, my eyes swimming with tears, and loudly promised that I would be “the best dad on earth” to him. Not just a good dad. Or a great dad. My competitive parental instincts had kicked in, and I was determined to be the very best one on the whole darned planet.

“The problem with this was obvious from the start. What is a good father after all? There were a lot of competing theories in the marketplace of ideas and I had to settle on one. My own father, by which I mean– the only father I’ve ever known–was a great dad to me growing up, but he worked until 9pm everyday, and was frequently away on long business trips. I knew this model wasn’t going to work for us. What it all seemed to boil down to was being there for my son when he needed me. A simple proposition at first glance, until I realized that it meant being on call 24/7 for the rest of my life. Simply put, that became my priority. Other parents may prioritize putting food on the table, paying for college tuition, helping others, keeping the world safe, or simply holding on to their own sanity or self respect. And who’s to say they are right or wrong? All I knew was that I never really had a choice.

“Many people would disagree, pointing out that not only is there a choice, but that it is a real luxury. I know I am very lucky, although I resent people highlighting it. On the other hand I know there are many impoverished mothers, who are secretly wealthy because they hold tight to what matters to them most. And I know that even a child can put up with great hardships, as long as they know someone is always watching over them. It seems to me that as a culture when we sacrifice the goal of being there for the sake of practicality, or comfort, or convenience, or even ‘the future’, that we risk a lot more than we gain.

“And that’s my balance. I do most of the cooking, almost all the cleaning, all the laundry, and the weekday food shopping. I do my best to scratch out some profit as a photographer. I don’t give a damn what people think about my life. And I pick my son up from school.”

Work Life Stories: Books and Babies

Feb 3rd, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

7 comments

The first in my series of work life stories is representative of a relatively new piece of the economic puzzle – mothers who work from home, often at night or in the early mornings and make a decent financial contribution in the process. It’s a hybrid approach – entrepreneurial, but with low costs of entry and minimal child care requirements. A middle ground for some wanting/needing to parent full time but keep connected to their professional world and make a family income contribution. These kinds of work life solutions are growing at an exponential rate in certain applicable vocations.

Meet my dear friend, Amy Jameson. She began her career in publishing in New York, working with renowned literary agent Lynn Nesbit. During her seven years at Janklow & Nesbit Associates, Amy had the privilege of working with acclaimed authors such as Michael Crichton, President Jimmy Carter, Tom Wolfe, Gore Vidal, Joan Didion, Jeffrey Eugenides, and many others. She also sold audio and first serial rights for several years at J&N while building her own select client list.

In 2004, she left Janklow and partnered with husband Brandon to form A+B Works. Amy has always had a passion for young adult and middle grade fiction. When Amy isn’t working with authors or caring for her small children, she enjoys gardening, cooking, singing, and reading really great books. Amy recently gave birth to their third child. We caught up a little while ago to talk about her career choices and how she makes it all work.

Amy was laid off when she was pregnant with her first child. Thinking it unlikely she’d get hired for a new role at that stage and planning for more than one child in the long term, she decided an independent agency could fill the gap for income and professional connection. As an aside, but an important issue relating to this kind of work approach, Amy’s husband was also freelancing, so health insurance was a problem. They were able to use a freelancer’s association to secure coverage at such a critical time.

“I am grateful to have something other than the kids in my life. Although I might be a saner person (maybe) if didn’t work. Certainly there are things I miss out on. I am a very creative person and see other mothers around me who aren’t working (at least for money) sewing dresses and exercising their creativity in the home arts. That’s something I’ve always loved but simply cannot get to. Any discretionary time goes to my work.

“There is so little “me” time. I work predominantly after the kids go to bed. In order to sustain my marriage, my husband and I need time together too. It’s hard to fit it all in because the business cannot take front seat right now, and yet I want and am obligated to give my clients my best. So it is a discipline thing. I have to pick and choose. I have over a thousand email queries from potential authors and cannot answer them.

“I think there is always the guilt factor. I can’t give 100% to everything. So I decide to give 100% to the things that matter the most (my family and my clients). The rest is just good enough and sometimes good enough is sufficient.

“I choose not to have a nanny during the day, so work is intermittent (during naps and such) and then focused at night. But this way I believe I am giving my best to my kids and my best to clients. Most of my clients are mothers and they are getting up at 5am to write. So they do cut me a little slack on my schedule.

“My eldest is now in pre-K three days a week – it’s gone so quickly – I am happy I chose a path that has let me really enjoy this time that my children are young while it lasts. I’ve learned how to be very efficient with the time that I have to work. Then I can luxuriate in the time during the day with my kids because that’s what I want. I am really able to both, full-time mother and part-time literary agent.

“Doing more than I am doing does not appeal right now. Maybe in the future. My business keeps my hand in, and it will be there later, when my kids are in school full-time. In the meantime, it is a great financial cushion and I make a very real contribution to the household earnings.

“Things I didn’t expect – my business has taught me how to be really efficient. I can get so much done in an hour – you realize how to be streamlined and not how to waste time on the little things.

“I do enjoy the intellectual connection this part of my life provides. I can get too extreme and lost in my kids and so it’s good to have the business to keep me connected to the world. My mother had no life other than her children and that’s not healthy. Perhaps if she’d let go more and let us work things out it could have been better for the family and certainly better for my Mom. She did an amazing job, but I imagine at times it was so hard for her. Our mothers’ problems become ours and we have to work those out.

“I love my clients, and they have become good friends – good Mom friends and professional friends. There is something wonderful about helping someone achieve a dream. For a writer, their writing is their baby as much as any child. My job is to get that baby born. Oddly, motherhood has been good training for this job – part hand holder, shrink, friend.

“Work life balance? I feel it works best when the time I spend with my kids isn’t “why don’t you guys go do something so I can get something done” and that my time at work is also focused and present. Efficient and productive and not just wasting time …”

Photo used with permission by Brandon Jameson

One-Size-Fits-All?

Jan 29th, 2010

by Chrysula Winegar.

2 comments

I love stories. I love hearing them and I love telling them. In another life when I was a recruiter, the single reason I stayed in the profession for so many years was the chance to sit down several times a day and ask people, “So tell me your story.” Why people do what they do and how they got there gives me endless fascination and joy.

When I started this blog, one of the things I intended was for this to be a gathering place for stories of how people integrate their work and their lives. Or rather, how we live. For some people it’s a segregationist approach. For others it is an interplay or seamless flow between worlds.

Work in this context can mean home-schooling your five children or running your household. Or it could mean you’re a senior partner in a professional services firm. Or an educator in public school. Or an entrepreneur with employees from 1 (you) to the thousands. Or it could mean a plethora of other things.

Over the next few weeks I will be sharing some of the stories here. It starts with a simple question. “Why do you do what you do?” through the lens of “Work. Life. Balance.” We’ll be hearing from stay at home and work at home parents, women and men in the senior ranks of the corporate world, single people, retired people. In short, a brief cross section of work+life stories and how people make it all happen. Family, education, paid work, volunteer work, social lives. Life.

Earlier this week, I spent a few hours with an incredible group of people who research, write, teach and live the work+life balance field. There were many important conversations around the table, but as I clarify my take aways, it comes down to this. There is no one size fits all. There is no cookie cutter approach. The new dawn of work in the Western world is a cafeteria of choices and options. It is a lot for organizations to get their heads around, yes. But they will not be competitive unless they do.

The rest of us are scrambling to make up the rules for our own games, let alone the entire economy. And that brings me back to story telling. We need to hear about how others approach this. Who has fought what battles and how they asked and got what they needed; from their spouse, from their organization, even from themselves.

Taking personal responsibility and accountability for our own work life balance is the single most important step we each can take. My thoughts for work place reform are always under the umbrella of individual ownership of choices and in the framework of doing profitable, sustainable business. I just want to make sure the choices exist. And that we have the tools and education we need across socio-economic levels to enable us to ask.

We’ll kick off next week with Amy-lu Jameson, a work from home mother of three and top-notch young adult fiction literary agent. You’ll love meeting her.

If you know of someone who has a great work life balance story to share, please contact me at chrysula (at) gmail (dot) com. In the meantime, be sure you don’t miss anything by signing up to receive my posts by email in the top right hand corner of the page.

Photo credit

http://www.flickr.com/photos/fotomele/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

"It’s what you do with it, darl’."

Dec 11th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

No comments yet

So much of finding balance in our daily lives is about the lens through which we view our experiences.

How many times has something like this happened to you? The other day I checked the store hours of the repair shop where my stroller was being fixed, only to find on my arrival that no one was there. I had planned my morning around this errand, because it was quite a distance from my home and I had meetings the rest of the day. I needed the stroller the next day for a family excursion that would be miserable without its sturdy support. I had to retrieve it.

I waited. I thumped on the door and shouted, just in case someone was hiding out the back. I called and left a grumpy voicemail about good customer service and leaving notes on the door if you’re popping out. I was not happy.

It was freezing, raining and very windy. My boys started fussing. So I pulled out their lunches and we had an impromptu car seat picnic. Then my sister-in-law called and we had the most wonderful conversation, catching up on many important things. Angela Bussio is always a breath of fresh air in my life and I leave every conversation feeling stronger and more motivated to be my best self. She is part of a new book “How Did You Do That?” launching soon on how ordinary people do extraordinary things – have a look.

The store owner finally arrived. I followed him into the store. “Hope you haven’t been waiting long?” he inquired. “Oh quite some time, “ I replied a little sharply. “Well, my guy who was supposed to be opening had a car accident on the way here – he’s alright though.”

Utterly chastened, my entire world-view of the previous thirty minutes shifted about as far as it could. After more enquiries about the staff member, I sheepishly warned, “I left you a bit of a grumpy voicemail, so please ignore it.” We conducted our business, I scored a free tire change for next time and all ended pleasantly.

Salutory don’t you think? Let’s reflect. My expectations weren’t met. Someone’s job performance had let me down and ‘messed’ up my morning. I didn’t have half an hour to ‘waste’ sitting in my car. Yet some lovely things happened. I was warm, cozy and safe hanging out with my little guys, and then reminded by the phone call of how loved and blessed I am. Most importantly the store employee survived a car accident that in the nasty weather had tragic potential. And I was reminded of a critical life lesson. Had I chosen not to be angry in the first place, the entire thirty minutes could have been a time for calm and yes, balance, in an otherwise hectic day.

In one of my favorite Australian movies, “The Castle”, the lead character nightly compliments his wife on her (rather dreadful) cooking. When she humbly dismisses the meal as being something quite ordinary, he replies with gusto, “but it’s what you do with it, darl’.” It’s what we bring and how we behave during our daily experiences that determine so much of our quality of life.

In the moments between reaction and action, how do we stop and check our perspective? What steps do you take to be aware of your point of view before you lash out in judgment? How do we conduct our own private Rorschach Tests on our behavior? Would you share your experiences?

Photo Credit: Rorschach Test Inkblot iStockphoto.com
Photo Credit: Smashed Windscreen iStockphoto.com

Got Friends?

Nov 18th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

8 comments

We’ve been battered by cold and flu season. Since September 4th, at least one member of my family has been sick to some degree. And a couple of weeks ago, a bad cold-turned-bronchitis compounded by a double ear infection, almost flattened me. Of course this period coincided with my husband’s most important time of year – working all hours and weekends, then dragging himself home to do what he could to keep our household functioning.

We have recently moved to a new neighborhood. Between my new neighbor and my Church women’s group, medicines, milk, meals and some babysitting were offered. They always seemed to anticipate at what moment I was about to collapse and someone arrived to care for my children for a couple of hours, to allow me to get to the doctor or some desperately needed sleep.

Clients had to wait. And did so patiently, bless them. There was minimal blogging and my twitter addiction had to be laid aside. My house turned into a nationally declared disaster area whilst my children tried to be helpful. I literally could not function for several days.

I barely know these women. But they showed up in love and service. My children were safe. We were fed healthy foods. And surrounded by a collective of kindness.

We speak often and sometimes blithely about the village it takes to raise our children. But I reflect back to those days pre children when my village became my family. I think it takes a village simply to live.

I rejoice I am part of so many wonderful communities. There are the friends from childhood – one dear friend I’ve recently reconnected with, I’ve known and loved since we were eight. A handful of others go back almost 30 years. Then there is my University crowd and early workforce friends; the ones who knew me when I was sassy and bossy and knew it all (hmm, haven’t changed that much). Traveling buddies. Ah, some stories there. My Church sisterhood has offered a bond of spiritual connectedness that is often instant and across all typical social boundaries. I have learned much from these unexpected partnerships. I’ve lived in five countries and ten cities (and 37 homes). Each move has been an opportunity to expand my circle and always have my life blessed by others.

As my friends have buried parents and birthed children and dispersed throughout the globe, I am deeply grateful for the relationships, both new and old, that make my life so rich and varied. And I am particularly grateful right now for friends who see a need and get out and meet it.

Here’s one tweet stream I did manage to send in the midst of all the chaos:

The adage “you can do it all, just not all at the same time” rings true. But even more powerful is the idea that you can do anything with loving support and a vibrant cheer squad to pick you up when you fall. This to me is a life of true balance.

Thank you. You know who you are.

Would you share thoughts about the relationships that strengthen you, empower you and help you be a complete person?

If you enjoyed this post, please share and subscribe.

Photo: I wish I had digital pictures for you all, but alas, this will have to be representational of so many important people in my life. L to R Kathryn Dioth, Singapore; Mary Longford, Australia; Chrysula Winegar, USA, friends since 1987.

You Are Your Own "So What"

Oct 12th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

8 comments

Having entered the blogosphere relatively recently, I hesitated a little at the vastness of the dialogue, the sheer massive number of voices on topics similar to those I write and think about. I thought a great about the “so what?” question. What’s my point of difference? Why read my blog? Why engage with me?

And then I realized. I am my own point of difference. I am my own “so what.” Not everyone will connect with my choices in topics, language, opinions. Ugh – how boring for all of us if they did. But some will find my story resonates. And theirs will resonate with me. So that together we can have a journey.

It comes back to things we’ve discussed before. Being authentic (yes, my favorite word again: say it out loud friends – authentic, authentic, authentic!), being appropriately open, getting to the heart of our core values and purpose, remembering to dream, listening to ourselves when that self is willing to act in our highest good.

You’re the “x” factor of you. So get out there and be it.

What makes you different? What’s your “something” that no one else has? I am not asking you to be arrogant; rather, thoughtful about who you really are.

Will you share some thoughts today or subscribe below?

For those who received this post earlier in an incomplete form, darn that little “publish” button: my mouse and I were not in tune with each other for a moment.

Photo: iStockphoto.com

The “Happy” Mirage

Oct 9th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

4 comments

Emily Orton is a teacher and mother of five children living in Manhattan. She home-schools her eldest four and cares for special needs baby “Mermaid”. She also happens to be a talented writer and life observer.

With the recent discussions on the happiness of women and the many theories as to why the data is or is not true or relevant, I have been thinking a great deal about happiness. I came across an essay Emily posted several weeks ago on her blog Urban Tangerine. It resonated on a core level and I felt compelled to share her thoughts and introduce them to you.

Emily blogs regularly on I’m down with Downs, with her sisters, and on home school at Education Validation (check out the lesson plan for the sacking of Rome). Earlier this week she wrote a searching post as a guest for Dare to Dream on mothering, the choices we make and how her children have stretched her. I am blessed to have Emily allow me to share her life’s work here, and to have her as my friend and inspiration.

“If you’re not happy without things, you won’t be happy with things.” It’s amazing that I memorized this part of the Brite music tapes I grew up listening to because it wasn’t set to music. The nursery maid says it of the spoiled (and depressed) princess that she serves each day.

It’s one of those lines that I understand better with experience. At first it felt like an easy answer which was Mom’s way of saying, “I’m not giving you that, but don’t complain about it because you choose to be happy.” A couple of years ago I read a quote by a famous actor stating that he wished everyone were as rich as he was so they would know that wealth doesn’t create happiness. That’s a no brainer. I’ve seen the ruinous lives of the celebrities spread across the magazines whenever I have to buy more dental floss or sunscreen at my local pharmacy.

There are other happiness mirages that have fooled me. There is the body image mirage which promises happiness if some goal of numbers or physical feats can be met. Didn’t work. I’ve been plagued by the notion that if only I were more organized or if I purged more clutter I could build on the summit of happiness. Not a bad idea, but not happiness. For some it is marriage or children. For years, I thought more space was the answer but that was debunked after a month living in 5,000 square feet. More space=more responsibility, more cleaning and less family togetherness. I thought a basement playroom would bring peace, order and happiness to my life. I haven’t been able to test that one out, but everyone that I know with a basement says their kids bring toys into the kitchen and want to play near Mom. At our house, we call this “clumping.” I’m sure Mrs. Newton would have written about this law of attraction if she’d had the time.

There is still an oasis shimmering in the distance for me. I’ll admit that I do think that having a yard with a fence would alleviate 80% of the pressure in my life by allowing me to unleash my younger children at my convenience. I can hear the nursery maid chanting in my ear, “If you’re not happy without a yard, you won’t be happy with one.” Her words empower me. My happiness is my responsibility. Nobody can give it to me and nobody can take it away. I’m not holding my happiness in reserve for a yard. There is plenty to be glad about. I am happy right now.

Is there a mirage in between you and Happy?

How do you choose Happiness?

Reproduced with permission from Urban Tangerine
Image of a mirage courtesy Encyclopedia Britannica

If you like this post, please subscribe at the bottom of this page. And how about making a comment? Just click on comments and type away. Go on, I dare you. I double dare you.

Ask, Listen and Act!

Sep 18th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

3 comments

No corporate, legislative nor media voice can replace your own.

Ever had a voice inside your head literally tell you what to do? Or a warm, calm feeling that you’re on the right track, feeling guided somehow? We give it so many labels. Inspiration, intuition, gut feel, sixth sense, the hand of God, the Universe. To honor my belief system, I call these intangible feelings, the Spirit. I hope my label will enable you to honor your own.

Judeo Christian wisdom talks about God being found in the “still small voice”. What does that really mean? It means soft. It means subtle. It means gentle. It means if you’re not paying attention you’ll miss it. How often do we dismiss those inner thoughts and what are they trying to teach us?

Clear, loud, unmistakable inspiration is rare. For my part, it’s only happened once in my life. I’d lived in the UK for 5 years and was mid-way through my Masters in Organizational Behavior as well as working full time in a job I loved and part of a community I could not ever imagine leaving. I was sitting in Hyde Park reading and pondering. As my thoughts wandered, I literally heard a voice in my head. Go home. Go to Australia. It was the last thing I was thinking at that time. It was so powerful, I felt compelled. I made my plans, quit my job, transferred my grad school program, packed up my life, closed down my financial affairs and prepared to say goodbye – only to discover three weeks before I was due to leave that my darling Aunt to whom I was very close, was diagnosed with lung cancer.

If I had not somehow been prepared those weeks earlier, I would have missed one of the greatest experiences of my life. As it was, I simply bought a new ticket and was by her side for the last few months of her life as her primary care-giver. It was an unforgettable time that had a deep and lasting impact on my life and on every major decision I’ve made since.

In your quest for balance, are you asking your inner voice? Are you creating the time, space and opportunity for inner conversations on this rich level? How can we made choices based on what we value, what is authentic if we don’t take time to reflect and process what that looks like?

Which brings us to receiving and following. Listening and acting. Our inner feelings or promptings don’t always make sense. In fact, more often they make no sense at all. Generally they are so gentle, so quiet, that we’re not sure we got the message in the first place.

To live an integrated life that truly espouses the principles we believe in, we have to act. We have to do. When inspiration comes, it’s a dual gift. Firstly for the specific situation, but secondly as a teaching exercise – every time we follow, we are being tutored in different language and therefore are entitled to more. There are many small thoughts I have acted on never knowing why. I’m sure sometimes I was being irrational, but it has become more important to learn to trust myself.

I do not expect to be guided in all things. I have a decent intellect. I use it. I research and analyze my decisions. I weigh pros and cons. I am the Queen of cost/benefit analysis! But then I take that thought, work and effort, make a decision based on facts and data, and submit it to a higher, inner process.

Don’t let someone else dictate to you what your life’s story looks like. No corporate, legislative nor media voice can replace your own. The Spirit, our inner whisperings, will guide us in the pursuit of our dreams and highest good if we ask, listen and act.

How do you create opportunities to hear your inner voice? Do you trust it? How have you felt guided? Do you find it difficult or easy to adjust your behavior when a feeling rings true?

Photo: My Aunt Chrys and I, 1990. She died of lung cancer, aged 54, in 1998. She is one of my greatest heroes.

Living an Authentic Life

Sep 10th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

6 comments

Recently some friends invited me to get in shape and lose a few pounds with them. The stipulation? I had to commit to track and email a list at the end of each day of every morsel of food placed in my mouth. Amazing how a goal crystallizes when someone is holding you accountable and expecting full honesty. My dear friend Emily Orton put it this way, “Why does knowing someone else cares motivate us to take care of ourselves?”

There is something deeply empowering in the public statement of a goal. The desire for achievement is one thing. The declaration of it, entirely another. It is a proven and tested approach for me. Not necessarily to announce to the entire planet, but verbally or in writing, announce even to ourselves, a trusted someone or even a stranger – “I’m working on this thing – here’s what I’ve committed to do to make it happen”.

Accountability for our choices and behavior is inherent in values based living. What is important to us drives those decisions and actions. If it doesn’t, then we have a disconnect. Human beings aren’t built to live in a values/behavior conflict. My observation has been that when values and behavior are out of sync, one of those has to change. Typically I’ve seen that it is a person’s values that get swept away – on the surface the easier path.

Not living true to your core however, extracts its price. Health, relationships: there are many places in life for your anguish to show up. Craving Balance writer, Lisa Gates just wrote on this – a touching, tragic and ultimately healing tale of a life coming full circle.

I think my favorite word in the English language is “authentic”. When I make a connection that feels honest and pure to its very essence, I am so grateful. The reason I married my husband was primarily because it was the first relationship I had ever been in where I felt every facet of who I am could be expressed without judgment, repression or recrimination. On the contrary, I felt celebrated in every respect. Vulnerability and kick-butt strength could co-exist without threatening one iota of this man’s sense of self. The gift of authenticity is a gift he continues to offer daily. It is a gift we deserve to give to each other, and more fundamentally, to ourselves.

A true seeker of balance, has to decide what they value. And in some way, declare those values. A critical add-on is to find a confidant and regularly return and report on what you are doing to live an integrated life.

Do you have someone that could be? Perhaps you could you start a journal? Is there something you feel you should really do with your life, thoughts you may have had before and dismissed? Paraphrasing Stephen Covey “What’s the one thing you’re not doing right now that you know would change your life? Why aren’t you doing it?”

What does your authentic life look life? Would you comment so I can hear your thoughts? I would love you to share, follow and link to this blog.

Note: Photo of my Mother circa 1965. What was she thinking then? What was important to her? Did her life play out as she dreamed back then? I am going to ask her.

A Time to Play

Aug 14th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

2 comments

I don’t consider myself a particularly playful person. Nor creative in traditional, crafty sort of ways. My idea of a good time outside of family and social life, is a night surfing the internet reading interesting things, following up on recommendations and occasionally settling down with a book. OK, I do sometimes watch the “West Wing” on DVD.

I have four very rambunctious playful and deeply creative children. I am constantly in awe of the worlds my children can create in their minds. The joy of far flung journeys. The characters, the adventures. But I am not the type to get down on the floor and join in the party. It would seem that somewhere in the craziness of the last few years, I’ve forgotten how to play.

It’s time to remember. Not just for my family, but for me. Or I’ll turn into some grumpy old woman I don’t recognize before I am 50. So this week we’re off for an American history adventure. Reading stories and histories, stopping for swims and parks and some time with family and friends. And instead of busily catching up on “life” on my phone, I’ll be in the mix, being present. Laughing and playing.

So excuse me, but I’ve got to go build some legos with my kids. Oh, and reality check, stop them from fighting. Have a great weekend.

What is Balance and Why do I Care?

Jul 29th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

3 comments

I have been thinking about Work-life Balance issues for about 20 years now. Long before I had a husband or children or any clue of what I wanted to be when I grew up. That this need goes beyond mothers is a given (and not the topic of this post – at least not today. For a great discussion on work-life flexibility through all phases of a career, see this post on Career Life Connection).

I was emailing recently with an old friend in London, Ryan Johnston, who happens to be a single male. “I think it is sexist and slightly dated to think that work-life balance is usually connected with working mothers… I was discussing this with a former work colleague last week. She is a mother and was saying her life was work, home and kids, then work, home and kids. My complaint was that my life was work, gym, back to work and then gym again. So interestingly, we both felt we were missing an element in our lives that wasn’t work, wasn’t kids and wasn’t going to the gym.“

So what is work-life balance? Is balance the right word? Should we be talking about work-life integration? Or some other term that hasn’t quite been invented yet? Doesn’t balance suggest that something is always on the verge of toppling over or being out of sync? Professor Jeff Hill talks about work-life as a “symphony”. His essay has a huge resonance for me. I love his ideas of integration, ebb and flow, times and seasons.

Never the less, work-life balance is the term du jour. So let’s get over the semantics and even the semiotics and symbols of it and down to business. What does it mean? I believe balance is about freedom of choice. Exercising agency. The flexibility and empowerment to make choices.

For my friend Diana Turnbow finding balance, “has been a matter of evaluating all the many … activities that I want to pursue and pursuing those that I want to do most… Often creative pursuits become mislabeled as work, such as my landscaping and gardening activities, which were taken up not so much out of necessity, but from a desire to create an environment that is nurturing to my soul.” (my italics)

In short, work-life balance is what you want it to be. Work-life balance is about deciding what you value, what you dream about, having a vision of where you want to end up – in physical, intellectual and spiritual terms. It is “big picture” living. And benchmarking the details of daily choices against the end goal. In Covey-speak it is “Beginning with the end in mind”. How many of us can truly claim to live a conscious life? A life that is deeply, holistically and inextricably linked to core values and where daily behaviors are integrated with that vision. A life that is segmented only to the extent we desire it. A reality where work and life and finding balance flow in and out of each other.

Where do companies and organizations fit into this? They enable the work-life flexibility so we can find our own work-life balance. I don’t want to work for someone who decides what that means for me. But I want the opportunity to make compromises, arrangements and implement systems that engender my sense of balance. And I want to do that in a culture that does not socially or professionally haze, bully or quietly punish me for making those choices.

I think we are seeking cultures that treat us as grown-ups; where, as empowered individuals, we behave like grown-ups. Showing up, being present, focused and effective. Generating productive results, nurturing relationships and creating sustainable outcomes for ourselves, our organizations and everyone’s bottom line. Real work-life flexibility solutions that operate on trust and results.

Companies that don’t just offer policies ‘on the books’, but loudly, and by example from the top, encourage use of those policies. And sadly, it would seem that America’s socio-political history would demonstrate that legislative supportive must also be forthcoming. In a country where 12 weeks of maternity leave is still considered a breakthrough initiative, there is such a long long way to go. Maybe the West Wing, and not just the White House, will be able to set some examples during this administration. The President and Mrs Obama have talked some mighty rhetoric and seem to be sending a strong top-down message for work-life balance. I am excited to see how it plays out in reality. If the West Wing, perhaps the world’s most intense pressure cooker, can make a dent in the issue, there is hope for any workplace.

What does work-life balance mean to you? What’s your ideal work-life situation?

Photo credit

http://www.flickr.com/photos/archeon/ / CC BY-ND 2.0

Odd Bedfellows: Scarcity & Creativity

Jul 9th, 2009

by Chrysula Winegar.

12 comments

Lack so often leads to scarcity thinking. I can’t, I don’t, I haven’t. And yet, it can lead us to the absolute opposite – creativity and total paradigm shifts. Whitney Johnson calls it dreaming of disruption. The opportunity to innovate. And to completely reinvent the way we work. The way we think. The way we live.

I feel the lack of time. I am raising four little people. I am growing a business. I am looking into PhD programs. I just moved house from two locations 2,300 miles apart. My husband works long hours and has a lengthy commute. Whilst organizing our new home, I’ve spent quite a bit of time focusing on the to-do list; the time I don’t have, the tasks I can’t do and the things I don’t have.

But a few days ago, some old lessons (that I clearly haven’t learned yet) came to mind. My core values. My life’s mission. My dreams. Some of them solely mine, others deeply and richly connected to the well-being and nurturing of my family. I realized I have all the tools I already need to create my own paradigm shift. And I remembered I am responsible for opening that tool box and letting the creative juices flow.

Welcome to my blog. Let’s begin.

being

It’s Always About What You Do With It

"It’s what you do with it, darl’."

Living an Authentic Life

What is Balance and Why do I Care?

SUBSCRIBE

WORK. LIFE. BALANCE.

CHANGING THE WORLD ONE MOTHER AT A TIME: UN FOUNDATION

MOTHER ACTIVISM

PROUD PARTNER

SEARCH

“LIKE”

GRAB THE BADGE

CONVERSATION

TWEETS

CATEGORIES

DIALOGUE AND INSPIRATION

SAVING THE WORLD

WORK LIFE REFORMERS

LIBRARY